News, News, News

So what is going on in the world? Let's see:

New tape from Osama? - Bin Laden has reportedly released a new video. Of course, the first question is : who cares? Probably the same old "slaughter the infidels" crap - ho hum. And what's up with the beard? Four years ago, it was mostly gray. The new tape shows him with a black beard. Has our boy been using Grecian Formula for Beards and Mustaches or did they just hang a beard on the closest fellaheen that looked like Osama to fool the stupid Westerners? The only reason I care at all is that I am still hoping to get a good clean shot at him someday and collect that $50 million, which I will spend on mercenaries to battle terrorists.

What else? Oh, yeah, eight guys got indicted in Colorado for smuggling sea turtle skins and eggs. Sea turtles are one hard sneeze from extinction and these clowns are making boots from their skins. And the eggs? Well, it turns out that, like rhino horns and bear gall bladders, they are supposed to be an erectile aid. We have to start making sure that American TV gets out to the whole world, no matter how remote. That way, these flaccid fools can see commercials for Viagra, Cialis and that other one every 10-15 minutes. They are lots cheaper than rhino horns and don't involve pissing off a rhino or a bear, either (always a good thing).

Guess that's it for now. Tune in tomorrow to see if Paris Hilton has really taken the cloth and will live out the rest of her days as a nun.